Loco For Four Loko

Sorry for the long excerpt, but I had no choice. It all had to go in, otherwise it would make even less sense than it already does.

Once again, Olivia and Ellie were late. Well, specifically, it was Ellie who was making the pair of them late. The electricity in their apartment had been cut off, so the alarm had failed to wake them. They liked to think that they had forgotten to pay the bill, but in reality, “forgetting” was more the case of not having the money to pay said bill. When they opened their refrigerator to scavenge for something to eat, but much to their dismay, nary an apple or a slice of bread was to be found. Instead, all they could locate was a can of watermelon flavoured Four Loko that Ellie’s sister Elizabeth had brought over when she visited from New York University.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the glory that is Four Loko, let us turn to the bottomless well of knowledge that is Urban Dictionary:

“Legalized cocaine in a can. If you consume Four Lokos you can expect to encounter the same results typically associated with snorting a small mountain of cocaine.”

"My dealer isn't picking up" "Okay whatever we'll just get some Four Lokos instead"

Needless to say, consuming Four Loko for breakfast (and thus on an empty stomach) was not a greatest plan that Olivia had ever hatched, but unfortunately, it was far from the worst. No, that honour had to be awarded to that time that she tumbled into a customs booth at LaGuardia Airport in New York, while being interrogated by a particularly frosty customs agent, in a desperate attempt to win him over. The joke went a tad too far when a German couple approached the counter and handed her their passports and customs form, and in an effort to stay the course on the joke, she scanned their passports and let them pass. Yes, this was incredibly funny to her, but apparently, it was not funny to the United States Customs and Immigration.

However, drinking Four Loko before going to work was definitely going to rival the infamous customs incident, as this was not just any other day at the office where she spent hours insulting pre-teens with inane and ridiculous questions. Instead, she was taking part in the annual staff retreat in Isles of Scilly. This was the four-day trip where the writers of all of the Darcy Publishing magazines met up in at a large beach resort on the shore to discuss recent trends in the publishing industry. Or, as veterans would have described it, the retreat was a four-day booze-fuelled bash where the writers of the sports magazine Through The Five Hole unsuccessfully hit on the fashion writers at Mode, and the insane and obsessive mothers at “My Child Is My Life!” cried because they thought that their children missed them. Most of them went home early anyway, and to be honest, no one was ever anything but relieved to see their mom jean-clad asses walking into the horizon.

After chugging the can of Four Loko—they were already running late as it was—Olivia decided that it would be a good idea to do a rain dance and try to throw meat at Ellie, tallying the points based on how many slices of mouldy ham stuck to her. She then attempted to perform Celine Dion’s classic ballad “Taking Chances,” but with an Italian accent, and replacing most of the nouns with “jock straps.” When Ellie tried to force Olivia out of the apartment and load her into their shared brown 1996 Chevy Astro (they had bought it from a couple of Fanilows who had used it to follow Barry’s 1999 England Tour, for a couple of old Barry Manilow eight-tracks and a 10% off coupon at the 24-Hour Crushed Velvet and Belt Emporium), Olivia loudly pleaded “Don’t kick me out, man!” while adding, “I’m friends with the owner!”

Needless to say, Olivia threw up on her pink “Fatally Attracted To Cuteness” baby tee (that had been ill-advised to begin with) while singing the high notes in Cody Simpson’s latest summer smash. One may have thought that vomiting on the shirt would only improve her situation, but instead, it only made things worse. She was forced to wear Fernando’s “Female Body Inspector” t-shirt that he had left in the backseat of the Astro for the duration of the car ride. This in itself may not have been so bad had she not forgotten to put on a more respectable shirt before exiting the vehicle, or if she had also taken off her vomit-smelling halter-top that read, “Trash Palace- I come for the kicks… I stay for the flicks!”.

Do I even need to tell you that Darcy was pulling up in his vintage Aston Martin as the not-so-hot mess that was Olivia fell out of the Chevy Astro? Please, try to imagine the scene as viewed through Darcy’s Ray Ban wayfarers, who was as usual perfectly dressed in some DILF-brand by Dawson Bleery khakis and a navy blue Lacoste polo. Not in the least bit flattering, unfortunately.

Even more unfortunate is the fact that Olivia would have gladly accepted this as her reality, instead of what actually happened. You see, the problem with purchasing a vehicle from a roving band of Fanilows is that they are too into the music to really function as individuals in society. Therefore, instead of getting the muffler fixed following their crazy summer, they made a lip-dub of “Mandy.” This was especially unlucky for Ellie and Olivia, when the Astro broke down somewhere between the Isles of Scilly and a village where the sexiest inhabitants were probably sheep.

The only car to stop for half an hour along that road happened to not be a car at all; rather, it was a Mitzvah Tank. A Mitzvah tank is an armoured vehicle utilized by the Orthodox Jewish practitioners of Chabad-Lubavitch Hasidism as a portable educational and outreach center and mini-synagogue to reach out to non-observant and alienated Jews. Not seeing any other options, Ellie and Olivia had no choice but to pose as Orli and Ranana Rosencrantz, two alienated Jews who were looking to rediscover their faith. The Mitzvah Tank general was more than happy to guide them to their destinations, both religious and beachside.

Despite the nausea that accompanied trip that she had been on from the Four Loko, Olivia wished she could have it back as soon as she saw the look on Darcy’s face as she exited the Mitzvah Mobile. It wasn’t good, my friends. Not good in the slightest.


Needless to say, I have been inspired so far by my New York trip.