Things are getting fishy, indeed. A nearby bakery, Buns of Steel, has recently started selling cronuts. Chloe went to investigate, and this happened:
A shirtless and muscled man wearing leather pants and leather chaps sauntered onto the stage, welcoming the women in a Texas drawl. Chloe thought that her eardrums might burst from all of the screaming that was going on around her. Who was this man? Why was he wearing chaps? She desperately wanted to know the answer to the first question, but she wasn’t so sure about the second.
“Welcome to Buns of Steel,” he said, causing a surge in the volume of shrieks. Chloe had a strange desire to lose herself and shriek along with everyone else, but she knew that she needed to contain herself instead.
“Today,” the man in the leather chaps continued, “we are launching the Buns of Steel cronut. I think you will find that it is one of the best things that you will put in your mouth today. Maybe not the best, though.” he said, smirking sexily. The entire crowd seemed to be drooling, thinking about doing what he was implying. “My name is Dallas, and I am happy to welcome all of you here today.”
Suddenly, a rogue woman broke free from the group and rushed the stage, clawing at the Dallas’ chaps. Dallas seemed nonplussed, and she was able to remove the chaps with relative ease. She was quickly ushered away by two security guards who Chloe was convinced were actually strippers, partly because of the tightness of their uniforms, but mostly because once they led her away they tore away their pants and started dancing. The crowd was clearly not sure whether they should be looking at the men who were dancing sans pants or the man at the front who clearly had many things up his sleeve despite the fact that it looked like he had not worn a shirt with sleeves in decades. The men finished their dance, and the crowd seemed relieved that they no longer had to make a choice as to where to look.
“But you all didn’t all come here for me, did you?” a now chaps-less Dallas said. Chloe could feel the entire crowd turn to face him squarely.
“I did!” a woman beside her yelled enthusiastically.
“At Buns of Steel we pride ourselves on the quality of our products,” he shouted. “Our pastries are second to none,” he not so subtly gestured East, towards Juliet’s Bookstore and Bakery. Chloe rolled her eyes at the remark, “but that’s not all we offer at Buns of Steel, isn’t that right?”
Again, the crowd cheered. The sexual energy was palpable. Chloe wanted to leave, but she couldn’t look away.
“We know what you want, and it certainly isn’t to read.”
Not only was Chloe offended by the slandering of her beloved bakery, but she was none too pleased about Dallas’ assertion that a desire to read and a desire to see buns of steel were mutually exclusive. How rude!
“We also consider one of our products to be the bakers themselves. Let’s just say that Buns of Steel is an apt description of the people who are proud to serve you.” More screaming. “I would also like to note that the buns we make here are in fact nothing like steel. They are quite soft.” Unlike everything else Dallas had said, this only earned subdued claps from the crowd. It would seem as if they were not there to pick up those kinds of buns.
“But enough from me,” he drawled on. “Why don’t I let the Buns of Steel team show you themselves? Some say it’s raining men—we say it’s raining cronuts!”
Chloe was sure that she would be deaf from now on; the noise around her was overwhelming. She had never seen such a frenzy before. The music swelled around her, causing her to forget her life before it started raining men.
Five men took to the stage, wearing yellow raincoats and carrying umbrellas. They were holding them to as to imply that they were an extension of their, uh, bodies. They started spinning the umbrellas seductively, and Chloe wasn’t sure what she should think about the world.
Clearly whoever thought that this was a good idea to change the lyrics from “it’s raining men” to “it’s raining cronuts” had not seen the opening scene of Love Actually, where washed up rock star Billy Mack performed a rendition of the Troggs’ classic "Love Is All Around," changing the title to "Christmas Is All Around.” In the song, Mack crooned "come on and let it snow" and “I need Santa beside me in everything I do” (a creepy proposition if Chloe had ever heard one) in what he freely admits is a cheap attempt to reach the Christmas number one spot, thus achieving a comeback "at any price". The Christmas version appears periodically throughout the movie, with frequent references made to its being "crap." The song is featured on the film's soundtrack album, which in 2004 reached Billboard's Top 40 and ranked number two on the soundtrack album chart. It also achieved gold record status in Mexico and Australia, indicating that Mexico and Australia have either the best taste or the worst taste. As the men started to remove their raincoats, the music began.
As the chorus began, perhaps in an effort to give the audience the impression that it really was raining cronuts, Dallas shot a few cronuts out of a cannon. Chloe would not have described it as cronut rain, but rather, a pathetic cronut drizzle. The crowd was too enraptured by the performance to notice the cronuts, allowing Chloe to catch several. She tucked them in her bag and did her best to move through the frenzied crowd. It was easier to move away from the stage than toward it, and people were eagerly moving into the place that she had previously occupied. At that point, she had seen everything that she needed to see. Well, after one last eyeful. And maybe another for good measure.
Sometimes I wonder if my book has too many strippers. Then I conclude that it doesn't.
A shirtless and muscled man wearing leather pants and leather chaps sauntered onto the stage, welcoming the women in a Texas drawl. Chloe thought that her eardrums might burst from all of the screaming that was going on around her. Who was this man? Why was he wearing chaps? She desperately wanted to know the answer to the first question, but she wasn’t so sure about the second.
“Welcome to Buns of Steel,” he said, causing a surge in the volume of shrieks. Chloe had a strange desire to lose herself and shriek along with everyone else, but she knew that she needed to contain herself instead.
“Today,” the man in the leather chaps continued, “we are launching the Buns of Steel cronut. I think you will find that it is one of the best things that you will put in your mouth today. Maybe not the best, though.” he said, smirking sexily. The entire crowd seemed to be drooling, thinking about doing what he was implying. “My name is Dallas, and I am happy to welcome all of you here today.”
Suddenly, a rogue woman broke free from the group and rushed the stage, clawing at the Dallas’ chaps. Dallas seemed nonplussed, and she was able to remove the chaps with relative ease. She was quickly ushered away by two security guards who Chloe was convinced were actually strippers, partly because of the tightness of their uniforms, but mostly because once they led her away they tore away their pants and started dancing. The crowd was clearly not sure whether they should be looking at the men who were dancing sans pants or the man at the front who clearly had many things up his sleeve despite the fact that it looked like he had not worn a shirt with sleeves in decades. The men finished their dance, and the crowd seemed relieved that they no longer had to make a choice as to where to look.
“But you all didn’t all come here for me, did you?” a now chaps-less Dallas said. Chloe could feel the entire crowd turn to face him squarely.
“I did!” a woman beside her yelled enthusiastically.
“At Buns of Steel we pride ourselves on the quality of our products,” he shouted. “Our pastries are second to none,” he not so subtly gestured East, towards Juliet’s Bookstore and Bakery. Chloe rolled her eyes at the remark, “but that’s not all we offer at Buns of Steel, isn’t that right?”
Again, the crowd cheered. The sexual energy was palpable. Chloe wanted to leave, but she couldn’t look away.
“We know what you want, and it certainly isn’t to read.”
Not only was Chloe offended by the slandering of her beloved bakery, but she was none too pleased about Dallas’ assertion that a desire to read and a desire to see buns of steel were mutually exclusive. How rude!
“We also consider one of our products to be the bakers themselves. Let’s just say that Buns of Steel is an apt description of the people who are proud to serve you.” More screaming. “I would also like to note that the buns we make here are in fact nothing like steel. They are quite soft.” Unlike everything else Dallas had said, this only earned subdued claps from the crowd. It would seem as if they were not there to pick up those kinds of buns.
“But enough from me,” he drawled on. “Why don’t I let the Buns of Steel team show you themselves? Some say it’s raining men—we say it’s raining cronuts!”
Chloe was sure that she would be deaf from now on; the noise around her was overwhelming. She had never seen such a frenzy before. The music swelled around her, causing her to forget her life before it started raining men.
Five men took to the stage, wearing yellow raincoats and carrying umbrellas. They were holding them to as to imply that they were an extension of their, uh, bodies. They started spinning the umbrellas seductively, and Chloe wasn’t sure what she should think about the world.
Clearly whoever thought that this was a good idea to change the lyrics from “it’s raining men” to “it’s raining cronuts” had not seen the opening scene of Love Actually, where washed up rock star Billy Mack performed a rendition of the Troggs’ classic "Love Is All Around," changing the title to "Christmas Is All Around.” In the song, Mack crooned "come on and let it snow" and “I need Santa beside me in everything I do” (a creepy proposition if Chloe had ever heard one) in what he freely admits is a cheap attempt to reach the Christmas number one spot, thus achieving a comeback "at any price". The Christmas version appears periodically throughout the movie, with frequent references made to its being "crap." The song is featured on the film's soundtrack album, which in 2004 reached Billboard's Top 40 and ranked number two on the soundtrack album chart. It also achieved gold record status in Mexico and Australia, indicating that Mexico and Australia have either the best taste or the worst taste. As the men started to remove their raincoats, the music began.
The dough is rising, our pants are gettin' lowIt didn’t rhyme at all. Chloe was embarrassed, but weirdly, no one else seemed to be. The audience was enraptured, and essentially rushing the stage trying to touch the Buns of Steel team. Chloe started to fear for their safety.
According to all sources the Buns of Steel is the place to go
Tonight for the first time, on the corner of Cumberland
For the first time in history it's gonna start raining cronuts
As the chorus began, perhaps in an effort to give the audience the impression that it really was raining cronuts, Dallas shot a few cronuts out of a cannon. Chloe would not have described it as cronut rain, but rather, a pathetic cronut drizzle. The crowd was too enraptured by the performance to notice the cronuts, allowing Chloe to catch several. She tucked them in her bag and did her best to move through the frenzied crowd. It was easier to move away from the stage than toward it, and people were eagerly moving into the place that she had previously occupied. At that point, she had seen everything that she needed to see. Well, after one last eyeful. And maybe another for good measure.
Sometimes I wonder if my book has too many strippers. Then I conclude that it doesn't.
I'm very happy to see the return of Buns of Steel *winks creepily* I love that you wrote the lyrics for "It's Raining Cronuts" and that you have strippers dancing to the aforementioned song and shooting cronuts out of a cannon into a crowd of screaming women who don't seem to be there for the cronuts at all.
ReplyDeleteFavorite part is a tie between "They started spinning the umbrellas seductively, and Chloe wasn’t sure what she should think about the world" and "At that point, she had seen everything that she needed to see. Well, after one last eyeful. And maybe another for good measure."
After last year's introduction of Buns of Steel, this is definitely the logical next step for their inclusion in novels. You really took it to the next level, Katie, and should be really proud of what you have accomplished! I loved that the lyrics to It's Raining Cronuts were terrible and didn't bother to rhyme, and I loved that the Buns of Steel people make no sense whatsoever. This excerpt is the essence of EsNoWriMo!!
ReplyDeleteThere is a certain magic as you reach week 3, when shit really gets real. I can tell this is going to be a great week. This excerpt is so amazingly ridiculous, while also being kind of gross. And "It's Raining Cronuts" - what can I say? Is this the greatest moment in EsNoWriMo history? I'd say yes, except I'm sure you'll outdo yourself by tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteSo may wonderful parts to this excerpt, it's impossible to pick a favourite, but if pressed, I think I would go with this one :... Chloe was convinced were actually strippers, partly because of the tightness of their uniforms, but mostly because once they led her away they tore away their pants and started dancing.
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHA Chloe, master of the obvious. Well done!