Day 22: 36,518 Words

Things took a fun turn today when I decided to bring back an old favourite, with a new twist: the Jackie Arms.

When they pulled open the heavy wooden door and walked into the tavern, they were immediately met with a wall of noise. The source of the sound was immediately obvious: it was a band that had set up in the darkest corner of the tavern. Based on the drum set, the band appeared to be calling themselves the Rolling Bones. The energetic frontman, Lick Wagger, was crooning a particularly touching version of “You Can’t Always Walk When You Want.” The band perfectly captured the sadness and impotence of a dog who wants to go for a walk, but cannot. 

But if you cry sometimes/ You just might find/ You just might find/ They’ll let you out to pee

Apparently, lab-themed cover bands were not limited to Jackie’s Place. They were popular across the pond, too.

Well, to say that this band, or any band like them, was popular—that was probably a stretch. Few people were in the tavern. There were a couple of scattered patrons nursing metal tankards of ale, and an angry looking barback who only spoke in grunts and angry silence.

Fernando and Abigail looked around the dimly lit room for James. It should not have been this hard to find him in a tavern that was mostly empty, aside from the lab-themed cover band. 

They were ultimately able to locate James in dark corner of the tavern, recognizing his out of date clothes and hairstyle from the back easily. How many corners did this place have? Was it only made of dark corners? Important questions, but questions that would have to be addressed another day. 

James was sitting opposite a man in the corner, but they couldn’t figure out who it was. The pair appeared to be in intense conversation. Unsure as to whether they were supposed to approach them, they moved forward tentatively until their eyes adjusted. Only then could they identify the man who was sitting with James.

It was Jason Statham.

...

“You’re probably wondering why I brought you all here,” James said in a way that he thought was mysterious, but was mostly just annoying. 

“You know we’re wondering why we’re here. We asked you so many times!” Abigail said in exasperation. They all had to shout, as the rest of the Rolling Bones were yowling along to the song, building to a crescendo.

“I was able to lure Jason here today with the promise of meeting Fernando Torres,” James explained. Fernando blushed.

“So nice to meet you,” Statham said, extending his hand. “I’m a big fan!”

“Thank you,” Fernando replied, smiling. Abigail, however, was getting impatient.

“Why are you luring anybody anywhere? Do you think that you’re Mrs. Miracle or something?” 

“So, you did see that movie!” James shouted triumphantly.

“We have to focus right now!” Abigail said with a hope of distracting everyone from the fact that she was very familiar with the Mrs. Miracle oeuvre, and had clearly lied about it.

“Indeed,” James said, getting back to the task at hand. “As you may know, the Celebrity Feud Support Group retreat at Niagara-on-the-Lake was a resounding success.”

James paused, almost as if for applause. But no one was in the mood for applause. 

He continued, but sounded slightly deflated. “I succeeded in ending the feuds between Sylvester Stallone and Richard Gere, Taylor Kitsch and David Boreanaz, and most difficult of all, the feud between Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Vin Diesel.”

Abigail noticed that Jason Statham’s eye seemed to twitch at the mention of The Rock.

“But I’ve found that much like in nature, putting out one fire has a way of causing another,” James lamented.

“Is that true at all?” Fernando asked with a quizzical brow.

“Don’t worry about it.”

Fernando looked as if he was about to protest again, but James cut him off. “I can’t get too into the details, but by bringing an end to the feud between The Rock and Vin Diesel, we unknowingly ignited another: between The Rock and Jason Statham.”

Both Fernando and Abigail looked at Statham with judgment.

“Hey. Don’t blame me. You haven’t heard my side of the story yet!”

“The first rule of the Celebrity Feud Support Group is that every side is worth listening to.”

“Fine. What’s your side?” Abigail said curtly.

“We were getting together to brainstorm ideas for Hobbs and Shaw 2—” 

Abigail barely prevented a loud squeal from escaping her mouth.

“—when we had a disagreement about the role of critical race theory in the script.” Statham looked pained by the memory.

“What was the nature of the disagreement?” James said, urging him on.

“Well, I thought that standpoint epistemology was the natural starting point for the narrative. I firmly adhere to the position that a member of a minority has an authority and ability to speak about racism that members of other racial groups do not have. Dwayne disagreed, saying that standpoint epistemology risks essentializing racial groups and perpetuating the myth that they operate as a uniform bloc.” Statham was clearly getting fired up just thinking about the dispute. 

“Huh,” Abigail said. “That really wasn’t what I expected.”

“Of course, it wasn’t,” Statham shot back defensively. “Just because I work out all these muscles,” he said, gesturing towards his impressive and extensive physique, “doesn’t mean that I don’t like to also exercise the biggest muscle, right up here!” He pointed to his head and smirked.

“The brain is absolutely not a muscle, Jason! Let alone the biggest one in your body,” Abigail said matter of factly. 

“Oh. Well, the point still stands. I’m glad that I could take this opportunity to educate you about unconscious bias.”

Abigail nodded her eyes and squinted. Jason Statham had really told her what was what.

“Me too,” she said truthfully. “I’ve learned a lot from you today.”