Day 23: 38,020 Words

 

Now that I have completely let go of any expectation that my novel be good, I'm having even more fun. I'm finally getting around to bringing everyone together, in London. 

Here are a couple of different excerpts, each of which made me laugh to myself. 

“What I haven’t learned,” Fernando interjected, “is why a good faith disagreement about critical race theory has led to the Rock being in danger? You should be able to resolve this dispute in a reasonable manner, given that you are not academics.”

Abigail found herself agreeing vehemently with Fernando. Academics are the pettiest tyrants, and the pettiest people, period. She had once heard of a disagreement at an education conference in New Jersey that had devolved into gunshots. All because some of the academics felt that they were celebrities who deserved to be on the VIP wi-fi. 

...

“Regardless, I regret that we came to blows. Because now Dwayne has said that if he finds me, there will be two hits: him hitting me and me hitting the floor.” 

“That is way too much muscle in one brawl,” Abigail said fearfully.

“Needless to say, I wasn’t going to take that threat lying down,” Statham continued. 

“So, you tried to resolve things?” Fernando asked.

“Oh, well I guess I do have to say it,” Statham sighed. “No. I did not resolve things. I just threatened him back.”

“Jason!” the three of them cried at once.

“My masculinity was on the line!” Statham whined, in a decidedly unmasculine manner.

“It sounds like your brain actually is made of muscle,” Abigail shot back peevishly. 

...

“I understand that this is all really distressing to all of you, but what are we supposed to do to help? James, you’re the professional mediator here,” Abigail said.

“Well, technically I’m not a professional. My three-hour online course on conflict mediation through the Jack Kerouac School of Theoretical and Disembodied Negotiation is no longer recognized, since the school lost its accreditation,” James said sadly.

Abigail tried to come up with a response, but couldn’t. Only questions were swimming around in her head. Was there only one university in the world all of a sudden? And why was everyone clamouring to go there? Most important of all, how did it become accredited in the first place?

Luckily, Fernando stepped up.

...

“Thank you so much, you two. It’s great to have you on board,” James said as he handed out red t-shirts with “Celebrity Support Group Supporters” written in white, loopy scrawl. Abigail and Fernando immediately and excitedly put them on. When Fernando took off his shirt, it elicited some cheers from the Rolling Bones, who were enjoying some tankards of ale between sets. 

James got right down to business. “I think it’s clear that what we really need is someone who can address the root cause of this feud flare-up: toxic masculinity.”

Abigail and Fernando nodded. 

“At the retreat on Niagara-on-the-Lake, we had a fantastic session at the Romance Inn that took on toxic masculinity, head-on. I can’t really get into the details. But it seemed to have really encouraged the session participants to reimagine new possibilities for themselves, free of the shackles of masculinity.”

Abigail couldn’t imagine what that session might have entailed, or how the Romance Inn could have possibly been the site of it, given that Trisha Romance’s paintings seemed to mostly reinforce traditional gender roles. But she was intrigued and excited all the same.

“I’m intrigued and excited,” Abigail said, “but are you sure that it actually worked, given that the Rock appears to be entangled in a deadly feud mere days later?”

“I take your point,” James conceded. “But you didn’t see what I see. I know that he made a lot of progress, but he’s just backsliding. He needs more support to fully overcome his adherence to toxic masculinity!”

“Okay,” Fernando said with confusion. “Well, can anyone from the Romance Inn come and help him?”

“That’s what I thought, too,” James said. “The problem is that the session facilitator, Gord, is unavailable to come to the U.K. at this time.”

“Well, you were there, James,” Abigail suggested. “Can you just take what you learned there, and apply it here?”

“I don’t think that I can do it by myself,” James said sadly. “You wouldn’t guess it from my hair or the fact that I’ve played Dawson Leery, one of the whiniest characters to ever be on screen, for most of my adult life. But, I have long struggled with machismo as well. I just don’t think I’m strong enough to do this on my own. I need back-up.”

“Was anyone else there who could help you?” Fernando asked.

“It just so happens that there is,” James said excitedly, as he realized what all of this meant. “And you happen to know her very well. Very well, indeed!”

They all waited for a second, hoping that James would announce the name of this person. When James just looked at them eagerly, incorrectly believing that he was building up the suspense, Abigail felt very irritated. 

“Are you trying to say that it’s my sister?” Abigail said quickly, trying to hurry things along. 

“Yes, it is your sister, Isla Martin!” James said with a flourish. Abigail rolled her eyes. 

“Are you saying that you want my sister to come here and try to mediate the feud between Jason Statham and The Rock?” Abigail asked.

“I think it’s the only option!” James said with a great deal of urgency.

“Well if that’s the case,” Fernando said, “let’s bring her here right away!”

“Let’s do it!” Abigail said. She was having another moment—a kind of moment that he had experienced with considerable frequency in the past few months—where she wondered how her life had become like this.