Day 1: 2,010 words, including a 322 word memo in comic sans

Welcome back to EsNoWriMo! I have been thinking about my novel this year for a few months, but a bunch of actual details hadn't yet been fleshed out. Fortunately I was able to steal get inspiration from Sam's novel and I am on track!

Last week all Toronto Star staff had gotten a memo from the Chief Executive Officer (or CEO, if you will) of Torstar Corporation, the Toronto Star Publisher, Chadwick Moneysworth. In that cursed memo, he announced with relish (in Scottie’s opinion) that he was ordering them to come back to the office. Scottie had never taken a liking to Chadwick Moneysworth, because she had actually happened to have a longstanding policy of never liking anyone whose last name was Moneysworth. She had applied this policy more times than you would think. The fact that Chadwick Moneyswroth had taken to sending all staff memos in all capital letters, and in comic sans, had only affirmed to Scottie that her policy was a good one. 

 

TO: EMPLOYEES OF THE TORONTO STAR

FROM: CHADWICK MONEYSWORTH, CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER, TORSTAR CORPORATION

DATE: MAY 5, 2025

SUBJECT: RETURN TO OFFICE 5 KM “MARATHON”

 

IT IS THE FINAL DECISION OF YOUR SENIOR MANAGEMENT LEADERSHIP GROUP THAT ALL EMPLOYEES MUST RETURN TO THE OFFICE FULL TIME. WHILE A “WORK FROM HOME” STRATEGY MADE SENSE DURING THE INITIAL PHASES OF THE PANDEMIC, WE HAVE FOUND THAT OUR EMPLOYEES ARE TOO EFFICIENT, TOO HAPPY, TOO FULFILLED, AND HAVE FAR TOO HIGH LEVELS OF JOB SATISFACTION WITH THE CURRENT “WORK FROM HOME” VERSUS “WORK FROM OFFICE” BALANCE. IN ORDER TO RE-ASSERT THE CAPITALISTIC ORDER AND MAINTAIN THE HIGH LEVELS OF DRUDGERY PRODUCTIVITY THAT ARE EXPECTED WHEN WORKING FOR THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA, SENIOR MANAGEMENT IS REVOKING ANY AND ALL “WORK FROM HOME” PERMISSIONS WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT. NO EXCEPTIONS FOR YOU, ONLY EXCEPTIONS FOR THE SENIOR MANAGEMENT GROUP WHO WANTS TO SPEND THE SUMMER IN MUSKOKA. 

IN ORDER TO SOFTEN THE BLOW, WE ARE HOSTING A MANDATORY “RETURN TO OFFICE 5 KM MARATHON” IN JUNE. RUNNING, AS I AM SURE YOU ARE AWARE, NOT ONLY IMPROVES CARDIOVASCULAR FITNESS, BUT IMPROVES STRESS LEVELS, MOOD, AND SLEEP. WE WANT YOU TO LIVE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE SO THAT WE CAN MAXIMIZE OUR PROFITS BECAUSE WE CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH AND WELLBEING. ALL EMPLOYEES WILL BE REQUIRED TO PARTICIPATE IN THE “RETURN TO OFFICE 5 KM MARATHON.” 

TO SUPPORT YOUR TRAINING, WE WILL HAVE MANDATORY OFFICE LUNCH RUNS, WHICH WILL BE ORGANIZED BY CHUCK IN HR. LOOK OUT FOR FUTURE MEMOS FROM CHUCK. CHAD FROM LEGAL ASSURES US THAT MANDATORY LUNCH RUNS ARE NOT IN VIOLATION OF THE CANADIAN CHARTER OF RIGHTS AND FREEDOMS, BECAUSE WE ARE ALSO REQUIRING THOSE WHO ARE DISABLED TO PARTICIPATE. I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING ALL OF MY UNDERLINGS COLLEAGUES IN WHEELCHAIRS OUT THERE! YOUR PERSEVERENCE IN THE FACE OF HORRIBLE ADVERSITY WILL SURELY BE AN INSPIRATION TO YOUR COLLEAGUES.

 

GOVERN YOURSELVES ACCORDINGLY.

 

CHADWICK MONEYSWORTH

 

Needless to say, this memo had not gone over well with the employees at the Toronto Star. There was a spirited debate in Slack about whether the memo should be leaked to another media outlet, but ultimately they decided not to because they felt that the benefits of the outrage that would be felt by anyone who read the obviously half-baked memo would be offset by the humiliation that Chadwick Moneysworth—who wrote memos in all caps and in comic sans, who sent them out before accepting the track changes, and who thought that demanding that all employees run a 5 km “marathon” (what does that even mean??) was in charge of one of the last vestiges of quality print media in Canada. They had suffered in silence. 

Scottie had long wondered if “Chad from Legal” was indeed real. It did not seem like his legal analysis would pass muster. The Toronto Star staff were mostly too demoralized to ask questions about Chad from Legal. 

So, back to the office she had gone. Even with the threat of emails from Chuck from HR about a mandatory run with her colleagues in the back of her mind. Even with the knowledge that Chadwick Moneysworth was blatantly making up employees in the legal department who were endorsing his blatantly illegal 5 km “marathon” (what was marathon supposed to mean here??). 

As resistance, today at least, she had conveniently “forgotten” her running clothes as she rushed out of her house—an excuse that she knew would not work every day.

Chadwick Moneysworth aside, Scottie loved her job. She had worked at the Toronto Star for five years as a crime reporter. She’d started out on small local stories, but had gradually built up to big investigative stories, sometimes local and sometimes international. She’d cracked some key parts of the maple syrup heists of 2022, and the case of the vanishing shark in Vancouver in 2023. Last month she had gotten a tip from writing on the bathroom wall at Sneaky Dee’s that something was amiss with the Australian Olympic swim team. After investigating, she learned that it wasn’t just your typical Sneaky Dee’s bathroom conspiracy theory—something really was fishy. 

Last year, before the 2024 Summer Olympics in Paris, France, Scottie had followed the Australian men’s Olympic swim team trials closely. She hadn’t just done this just because it was a treat for the eyes. She had been following closely because the great Australian songster, the “Iy Iy Iy” crooner Cody Simpson, had been this close to reaching his Olympic swimming dream. What couldn’t he do! Well, apparently, the answer to that question was to make the Australian men’s Olympic swim team. Everyone had assumed that his failure to make the team was because he was, in the objective terms of “time,” “not fast enough” as compared to his fellow competitors. It was a mighty effort, everyone agreed, but he had just fallen short. It was understandable—he had spent most of his peak years performing for adoring audiences (including Scottie, at one point, at a free concert in Yonge-Dundas Square). 

Now, Scottie wasn’t so sure.

The tip from the wall of the bathroom stall at Sneaky Dee’s turned out to have been a good one. Apparently, there was a conspiracy that went all the way to the top— from what she could tell, some very powerful people had a vested interest in Cody Simpson not making the Australian men’s Olympic swim team. Their motives: unclear. He seemed like a great guy. 

Scottie was going to ask her editor Sarah if she could fly to Australia to do some good old investigative journalism, but apparently her day wasn’t going to go the way that she thought it would. 

Before she had even put her computer bag down, Sarah was walking towards her with a motivated look in her eye. 

Sarah was somewhat breathless when she reached Sarah’s desk. Perhaps she really did need to start training for a 5 km “marathon.” But, who was Scottie to assess Sarah’s fitness? 

“I need you to go on the road,” Sarah said in an excited tone. 

Had Sarah been converted to the exercise enthusiast mob? Was she breathless because she had been doing burpees at her desk? Was Sarah governing herself a little too accordingly?

Scottie was chilled to the bone. 

“But I didn’t bring my running shoes! Please don’t make me go running with Chuck from HR!” Scottie pleaded.

“No, not that,” Sarah said as she shook her head. “Never that.”