Day 13: 2,6540 words and when it doubt, memo it out

 

I had a more pleasant writing day today, in large part because of the inspiration from all of you for my story. I also had a lot of uninterrupted writing time. 

I am posting two excerpts today. The heroes were at Jackie's Place for a long time, trying to figure out what is going on with all of the fires: 

“I keep thinking about what the mysterious item means,” Jake said. “We have talked about two options, basically. First, that it got left behind by someone—possibly someone relevant to the case, and possibly not. Since the damage from the fires was quite severe, I would find it surprising if the items were basically unaffected while everything else was. Second, that the police changed items and placed the mysterious item on the scene of the crime. That they were tampering with evidence to throw people off the scent. I find that a little confusing, though, because then why publicize the tampering?”

Jackie and Scottie nodded. Jake had a point. 

“So what if there is a third reason. What if it’s something else?” Jake offered. 

“What do you mean?” Scottie asked.

“Well, we are assuming that the mysterious item—” Jake began.

“It’s a dolphin shaped kazoo,” Scottie interrupted.

“Okay,” he continued, probably more confused than ever about the information that he was getting. “Wait, a what? Do those even exist?”

“Well I saw a picture of a slightly burnt one in the slide show, so I guess so?” Scottie said with uncertainty.

“Alright. We are assuming that the dolphin shaped kazoo,” he paused to smirk, “was either on the scene for some reason, or the police made it part of the evidence for some reason. But what if it’s neither? What if the dolphin shaped kazoo was just placed in the slide show?”

“By someone who wanted to send a message,” Jackie growled. 

“What could the message possibly be?” Scottie almost shouted in frustration. “I’m so sick of trying to decipher this! Why bother sending a message if no one understands it?”

“Maybe that was the point of Foucauldian Discourse Analysis all along,” Jake said soberly yet astutely, illustrating that maybe he knew more about Foucauldian Discourse Analysis than he thought. 

“I guess the message could have just been that there is a message. That something is going on. That someone knows something. And that I need to seek them out,” Scottie considered. “Well, it’s a start.”

“Do you have any information about who put together the photos? Or who put together the slide show?” Jake asked. 

“I recorded the press conference on my phone. I can play it all, if that helps,” Scottie offered, pulling out her phone. 

The three of them huddled together, listening to the recording. Jackie scoffed a couple of times, and Jake shook his head over and over again. It was maddening to hear it play again—it was even more bizarre to relive it. 

Then, they got to the part at the end. The part with the Foucauldian Discourse Analysis Aid Kit slide show. 

“Brandon! The AV!” They all heard Police Chief Parlo Pettipiece say it. Then there was mostly silence, interspersed with Scottie’s pointed questions and Pettipiece’s non-answers. You could hear Scottie writing down the items. Then the press conference, abruptly, was over. 

“Brandon,” Jake said slowly. “Did you see him?”

Scottie thought for a moment. “You know what, no. I didn’t. Pettipiece called out for Brandon, and we all looked around, but we never saw him.”

“Who is this Brandon? The AV guy? The IT guy? Are those the same thing?” Scottie wondered aloud. She clearly wasn’t an expert on audiovisuals or information technology. 

“He could be anybody,” Jake said.

“Well, anybody who can operate a slide show. So I would assume that he is either Gen X or younger,” Scottie said. “Watching boomers try to operate technology is just sad. Sorry, Jackie,” she hastily added. 

“I’ve got all the technology I need right up here,” Jackie replied, gesturing to his mostly grey hair. He was referring to his brain though, not his hair. 

Fair enough.

“We need to find this Brandon. This Brandon who can operate a slide show,” Jake said. 

“Great plan,” Scottie responded, “but how do we do that? The police have shut us out. We can’t just go into the police station asking where Brandon is.”

“Jackie, do you know anyone named Brandon who works at the police station?” Jake asked.

“I know several Brandons who work at the police station. None of them could operate a slide show though,” Jackie laughed. Scottie and Jake chuckled as well. “They wouldn't know a slide show if it bit them in the ass," he snapped.

What a damning indictment of the London Police Service. Or another damning indictment of the London Police Service in a series of damning indictments, one might say.

“Who do we talk to, then? To find out who this Brandon was? Maybe he knows something,” Scottie said. “Jake, you’re a hockey player. You must know some police officers.”

“I do know three police officers named Brandon,” Jake shook his head. “But unfortunately, I agree with Jackie’s assessment. And don’t know if we can trust them.”

“We can’t trust any police officers. Ever,” Jackie said forcefully. “We have to go lower. Someone who works at the police station, but isn’t a police officer. Someone without power. Someone who has no stake in keeping their secrets.”

Jake started nodding. 

“I think I know just the person,” he said. 

Next is a classic memo.

TO: EMPLOYEES OF THE TORONTO STAR

FROM: CHADWICK MONEYSWORTH, CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER, TORSTAR CORPORATION

DATE: JUNE 20, 2025

SUBJECT: A FRIENDLY REMINDER ABOUT THE MEANING OF “COMPULSORY”

 

I AM PLEASED TO REPORT THAT MY TIRELESS ACTIVISM AS PART OF THE JUSTICE FOR MARTHA’S VINEYARD CANCELLED COMMUNITY MEMBERS AND WIFI RESTORATION AND CONTEMPLATION COMMITTEE HAS RESULTED IN A MAJOR VICTORY! WE WERE ABLE TO SUCCESSFULLY RESTORE WIFI ACCESS TO THE TEN POOR SOULS ON MARTHA’S VINEYARD WHO HAD LOST WIFI ACCESS FOR FOUR FULL DAYS. THEY WERE HEARTENED TO KNOW THAT THE ENTIRETY OF THE TORSTAR CORPORATION HAD THEM IN THEIR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS. UNFORTUNATELY, I AM A VICTIM OF MY OWN SUCCESS. SINCE THE COMMITTEE HAS FOLDED, MY TIME AT MARTHA’S VINEYARD HAS COME TO A CLOSE.

 

AS PER THE RECOMMENDATION OF BRIAN FROM SALES, I AM WRITING THIS MEMO USING A “SANDWICH” METHOD. SOME OF YOU MAY BE THINKING THAT WE ARE BRINGING BACK THE SANDWICHES IN THE CAFETERIA, AFTER WE REMOVED THEM AT THE RECOMMENDATION OF OUR EXERCISE PHYSIOLOGIST IN RESIDENCE, DR. GORDON TOODIE. PERHAPS IT WAS RUDE OF ME TO BRING UP SANDWICHES, BECAUSE THEY WILL REMAIN OFF THE MENU AS YOU ALL TRAIN FOR THE RETURN TO OFFICE 5 KM “MARATHON.” THE SANDWICH METHOD THAT I AM REFERRING TO IS TO OPEN WITH GOOD NEWS OR PRAISE, GIVE BAD NEWS OR CRITICISM, AND END ON A POSITIVE NOTE. 

 

WHILE THE CAT IS AWAY, THE MICE WILL PLAY, IS THAT IT? IS THAT HOW WE DO THINGS HERE AT THE TORONTO STAR? IT IS NOT. 

 

I HAVE RECEIVED WORD FROM THE ESTEEMED DR. GORDON TOODIE, WHO DON’T FORGET IS ALSO THE DIRECTOR OF EXPERIMENTAL FOUCAULDERY AND THEREFORE IS AN EXPERT ON THE “ART” OF GOVERNING, THAT I NEED TO REMIND YOU THAT ATTENDANCE AT THE COMPULSORY LUNCHTIME RUNS IS JUST THAT: COMPULSORY. SOME OF YOU MAY THINK THAT MINOR INCONVENIENCES LIKE “BREAKING NEWS” OR “BREAKING BONES” IS A REASON TO MISS THE COMPULSORY LUNCHTIME RUNS. IT IS NOT. AT 12 PM, YOUR TOP PRIORITY—AND I MEAN YOUR TOP PRIORITY—IS TO BE IN YOUR REQUIRED UNIFORM (TIGHTS) AND READY TO RUN. 

 

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, THE ONLY EXCUSE THAT WE WILL ACCEPT FOR NOT PARTICIPATING IN THE COMPULSORY LUNCHTIME RUNS IS THAT THERE ARE NO EXCUSES! 

 

TO END THIS MEMO ON A POSITIVE NOTE, I AM HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE THAT AS A REPLACEMENT FOR SANDWICHES IN THE CAFETERIA, WE WILL BE SERVING CLASSIC JELLO SALAD: LIME JELL-O, COTTAGE CHEESE, AND PECANS. DR. GORDON TOODIE ASSURES ME THAT THIS IS THE BEST RUNNING FUEL THERE IS. AND WHAT IS HEALTHIER THAN A SALAD, AM I RIGHT?

GOVERN YOURSELVES ACCORDINGLY.