Day 3: 6013 words and a Ben Affleck Summer

I made it to Massachussetts, the true origin of the Ben Affleck Summer. Writing went smoothly today, thanks to the Ask the Manager post and everyone else's hilarious and brilliant novels. I realized today that I have written myself into a corner, where I need to actually have and solve a mystery about the Wortley Village fires. While I would mostly love praise in your comments today, I will need some support and ideas in the group chat.

She went back and read an article on The Athletic about his decision to step away from the game. “Jake Kneiss, Maple Leafs star, explains his difficult decision to call it a career,” the headline read. He had just hurt his knee again, and he was told by doctors that if he stopped playing professionally he could have a pretty comfortable life. If he kept playing, they said, he may never fully reach the level that he had been at, and he risked being in pain for the rest of his life. That choice sounded devastating to Scottie. 

As she read his story, she started to notice something about the photos that were showing the span of his career. They were… ugly.

He looked like a third rate chauffeur. Specifically, a third rate chauffeur who was somehow covered in Cody Simpson’s Own Artisanal Cheese Puffs. Was that even possible?

You might be thinking that there is no way to tell the difference between Cody Simpson’s Own Artisinal Cheese Puffs and any other kind of cheese puffs. But you would be wrong. Scottie could identify the signature cheese powder, grated off of Cody Simpson’s abs, with her eyes closed. 

She had known Jake Kneiss since he was in high school. He was now 32. At no point was he an ugly person. Quite the opposite, truly. His jawline was so powerful that as she stared at it in biology class, she remembered very distinctly that a fly had once flown into her mouth because it had been open for so long. 

But you would never know from the photos that they had selected. How did a camera manage to commit so much violence? Although Scottie was also certain that some photoshopping had happened to make him look unhinged in a photo. 

“I’m onto you, James Mirtle,” she said to herself. Somethings were best left behind, she said to herself, and she closed the tab.

Yet another email from Chadwick Moneysworth had just popped up, eliciting an audible groan from Scottie. It was yet another memo. Any hope that Chadwich Moneysworth would have stopped writing his memos in comic sans and all caps, and that maybe he would edit the memo before sending it, immediately evaporated. 

 

TO: EMPLOYEES OF THE TORONTO STAR

FROM: CHADWICK MONEYSWORTH, CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER, TORSTAR CORPORATION

DATE: MAY 6, 2025

SUBJECT: RETURN TO OFFICE 5 KM “MARATHON”

 

IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT THE OFFICE 5 KM “MARATHON” HAS NOT BEEN RECEIVED WITH THE OPEN ARMS THAT I EXPECTED. I ASSUME THAT THIS IS BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL OUT OF SHAPE AND UNWILLING TO ENGAGE IN ANY SELF-IMPROVEMENT.

I THINK THAT YOU WOULD ALL BENEFIT FROM LEARNING ABOUT THE UNCONSCIOUS AND PSYCHOLOGICAL DEFENSE OF PROJECTIONS AND TRANSFERENCES THAT EMANATE FROM THE UNCONSCIOUS OF A PERSON, ESPECIALLY ONE WITH A HIGHLY DYSREGULATED NERVOUS SYSTEM. I AM A HUMAN BEING TOO—I HAVE DONE IT AND CAN DO IT (STILL DO IT AT TIMES) AND THAT’S WHY I KNOW ABOUT IT EXPERIENTIALLY. IT’S ALSO WHY I SPEAK TO THE NEED FOR GRACE OFTEN (AS WELL AS ACCOUNTABILITY). BELIEVE IT OR NOT (AND THAT IS A LITERAL STATEMENT BECAUSE I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT ANY OF YOU BELIEVE IT AT THIS POINT IN YOUR WORTHLESS LIVES), I EXTEND A GREAT DEAL OF GRACE TO ALL OF YOU. 

BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AM GOING TO TAKE ON CRAP THAT YOU ARE ALL TRYING TO OFFLOAD ON ME. I KNOW THAT YOU ARE MAKING “HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATION” CLAIMS TO CHUCK IN HR. I CAN READ ALL OF YOUR SLACKS, AND I KNOW THAT YOU ARE CLAIMING THAT CHAD IN LEGAL IS ACTUALLY ME WITH A FAKE BEARD. I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! I WILL NOT BE A WALLFLOWER AS A CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER OF A NEWS ORGANIZATION THAT NEEDS TO ADDRESS ITS CHALLENGES!

I KNOW THAT MANY OF YOU WORK ON ALL-FEMALE TEAMS, AND THAT IT IS QUITE POSSIBLE THAT THAT YOU (AND OTHERS) TAKE MY MASCULINE STYLE OF MEMO WRITING AS A THREAT. I AM NO THREAT! BUT YOU ALL PERCEIVE IT TO BE SO. 

LOOK OUT FOR MORE EMAILS FROM CHUCK FROM HR. I HAVE RECENTLY ENGAGED THE SERVICES OF DR. GORDON TOODIE, A FOUCAULDIAN DISCOURSE ANALYSIS AIDE. HE WILL BE CHOREOGRAPHING THE LUNCHTIME RUN TRAINING REGIMENT. COPIES OF DR. TOODIE’S DISSERTATION, “BECOMING HOT RUNNER SUMMER: BREAKING THROUGH THE EFFORT-DISTANCE-SWEAT PARADOX,” WILL BE MADE AVAILABLE DO YOU FOR THE DISCOUNTED PRICE OF $19.99. THIS IS A STEAL! 

READING THIS DISSERTATION IS MANDATORY. THE LUNCHTIME RUNS ARE MANDATORY, EVEN IF YOU ARE TRAVELLING. LOOK OUT FOR MORE EMAILS FROM CHUCK FROM HR WITH DETAILS ABOUT CHECKING IN TO THE RUNS REMOTELY.

THE MANDATORY LUNCHTIME RUNS WILL CONTINUE UNTIL MORALE IMPROVES. THAT IS A PHRASE THAT I MADE UP JUST NOW. I GOT A LOT OF HIGH FIVES FROM THE SENIOR LEADERSHIP GROUP. 

GOVERN YOURSELVES ACCORDINGLY.

 

“Look out for more emails from Chuck from HR” was starting to be the most menacing sentence in the English language. 

Scottie had gone into the summer hoping that it would be a “hot commie summer.” Finally, a hot summer trend that she could get on board with! At this point she would have even accepted a “Ben Affleck summer,” where she would be stressed out with an iced coffee. But the coffee shop in her neighbourhood had just burned down. She was stressed out with no iced coffee in sight. Her boss was trying to turn it into a “hot runner summer.” She would have said before today that a “hot runner summer” was the most macabre summer at all. But now she knew that wasn’t the most macabre. It was starting to turn into a “hot from multiple suspicious fires summer."

Truly the worst summer of all.